Sunday, July 24, 2011

Wu! Wu! Democrat congressman he likey the young trim.

Oregon congressman David Wu likes his snoochy the old fashioned way.  Up close and personal.  Unlike fellow disgraced congressman Democrat Anthony Wiener who just harassed women with pictures of his turgid love muscle, Representative Wu, 56, of Oregon has been accused of an "unwanted sexual encounter" (whatever the fuck that entails) with a teenaged girl.  If I had to guess I would say that meant breast groping, probing slobbery tongue and maybe some hands up the skirt, but something short of rape.  The girl left a distraught, breathless voicemail last spring at the congressman's office where she described the incident.  We are, of course, awaiting the hot and heavy details.  It is known that the incident happened around Thanksgiving and involved the daughter of a donor and the girl was a recent high school graduate and had just registered to vote.  This is important spin in establishing the non-jailbait factor, but does nothing to alleviate the creepy old pervert factor.  Putting the mash moves on a donor's young daughter? Hasn't Mr. Wu heard about not shitting where you eat?  Could this be enough to make the donor (not to mention his daughter) vote Republican?

 He's no Justin Bieber, but the power of even a backbencher 
congressman can be like catnip to hot young high school babes. 

Wu has a reputation for serial weirdness stretching back over his career.  He was accused of sexually assaulting a former girlfriend when they attended Stanford in 1976.  He is separated from his wife who is seeking a divorce.  Shortly before the 2010 election bizarre emails and phone calls were sent to staff and even included a picture of himself in a tiger suit.  After his re-election many of the staff quit and Rep. Wu has been treated for unspecified mental health problems ever since.

Hold that tiger!  No mental issues here. 

Of this latest dust-up, Mr. Wu admits "this is very serious" but that whatever occurred was "consensual".  Next thing you know Rep. Wu will be telling us that "she was just asking for it with that short skirt and over the knee stockings."

Not the schoolgirl in question, but damn I love this picture.

David Wu represents a fairly safe, liberal district that includes Portland.  And he does have the cachet of being the first Chinese-American to serve in congress.  But I would imagine that even the "anything goes" lefties that are his constituency may draw the line at a 56-year old degenerate satyr pawing the nubile girly parts of a chick just out of high school.

My money is on Congressman Wu being ex-Congressman Wu by the end of the week.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Died Today:

Amy Winehouse
Sept. 14, 1983-July 23, 2011
(Age 27)
Amy could look kind of hot when she was cleaned up. 

Unfortunately, this was the face 
The Wino presented most often to the world.

To the surprise of I'm sure no one, Amy Winehouse was found dead at her home today.  Not much in the way of details at this time.  I'm sure we can all take an educated guess as to the cause.  This being the modern age, her fellow celebrity colleagues are taking a few moments from their frightfully busy Saturday to Tweet their condolences.

A quick look at my archives tells me I've never done a snarky post about The Wino.  She just seemed like too easy a target.  Great voice, great recordings but too fucked up to give a great concert or to sustain any kind of career.  Just sad, really.  Total waste of talent and of a life.  Nothing more to say.  (Unless something particularly juicy about her demise warrants comment.)

P.S. I hope Lindsay Lohan is taking note.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Pool sex. It's not just for hormonally challenged teen sluts.

It's been really hot out.  No, no, no I mean really hot.  Not that kind of hot, but heat hot, as in temperature.  Oh, fuck it, let's just combine the two and have some fun with this story of slatternly fuckery.

There must have been a great deal of churning water around Myron Helms, 33, and Victoria Cross, 40 as they made a standing (one assumes) beast with two backs in the pubic (typo, but I'll keep it) pool in Connersville, IN.  Are you thinking what I'm thinking?  That these two are a little old for these kinds of shenanigans.

 No mug shot of the pool porkers yet.
I'm guessing they don't look this good. 

The other folks in the vicinity of the coupling couple were not amused and raised an outcry after it had been going on for half an hour.  I mean really, enough is enough.  Did it take thirty minutes to catch on that the swim buddies were gettin' busy?  Or were they just enjoying the show?  One shocked bystander stood in front of the fornicating duo in an attempt to shield them from the view of the chilluns.   THEY DIDN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT THE CHILLUNS!!!  When the pool manager approached the couple they separated and out popped the peenie.  Busted!

Speaking of busted.  Mr. Helms is a reserve police officer with the local constabulary.  Fine example there officer.

Yes, I have had sex in a pool.  (And so have you, admit it.)  It was my own pool and it was at night and we were alone.  You know, the way you're supposed to do it.

The couple has been charged with misdemeanor public indecency and, in case you were wondering, the city recycled the pool water and added extra chemicals to get rid of any lingering spoo.

Go here for a Funeral Guy previous look at crazy public sex.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Let's get this get this party started...Florida style!

Parents are such a draaaaaggggg, man.  All you want to do is have a little summer fun.  Party hearty at the home of the parental units.  And they say no.  Ya' just wanna kill 'em.

And that's precisely what 17-year old Tyler Hadley did.  (Allegedly.)  After a party for 40-60 of his friends police in Port St. Lucie, Florida went to the home of Blake and Mary Jo Hadley on a tip and found them locked in the master bedroom along with a bloody hammer.   Need I add that they were no longer among the living?  Their ungrateful little wretch of a son has been arrested for the crime and charged with two counts of murder in the first degree.

 "Hey dad, before you go all unconscious and shit, 
can you tell me where mom is?  

I guess it's lucky Tyler locked the bedroom door.  In a party that big you know some horny, shit-faced couple were searching around for a place to get busy.  Tripping over a couple of bludgeoned stiffs is a sure fire mood killer.

An autopsy is scheduled to determine the exact cause of death.  (Note to coroner:  Look for bloody swollen faces and crescent shaped wounds.  It's called blunt force trauma in case you've never seen this before.)    

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Somebody needs to get this hottie out in the wind more often.

My brother, the Conservaterian sent me these.  (Go to him for serious political analysis, stay here for the dick jokes.)

I'd seen these before but it appears that the British press did a little photoshopping out of respect for the royal family since you can definitely see more ass on these.  Goddam, I sure loves me the upskirt photos.   Full set here.

Prince William comes off as kind of a dweeb to me. 
I sure hope he knows what to do with this babe.  

But it's got to be true. I saw it on the internet!!!

Photo of alleged Mistress of the Beauty Salon, Olga Zajac. 
Who allegedly karate kicked and allegedly raped a robber. 

I was going to write a killer post on the big story of the day about the would be robber of a beauty salon in Russia who was karate kicked unconscious by the foxy female owner (like Uma Thurman in Kill Bill 1 & 2).  She then tied him to a chair and sexually assaulted him.  How do you do that to a frightened, flaccid and unwilling (sorry, no penis is truly unwilling) penis?  You feed it's owner nothing but Viagra and sproinggggg! just like magic, instant boner.

The jokes, japes and puns were flying around my head like bats in a belfry.  (No cash, just gash...Made for TV Lifetime Movie of the Week Starring Jennifer Aniston and Matthew many times did she send out for vodka...did she hide him behind an Iron Curtain...etc, etc.)  The story in the UK Daily Mail even brought up the scene in Pulp Fiction with Butch and Marcellus, Zed, his redneck friend, Maynard and their sidekick The Gimp.  Really good analogy except for the Russian scenario is pretty hot when you think about it and the Pulp Fiction scene (like Deliverance) involves butt-fucking male rape by two sweaty hillbillies.  Do I really need to tell you that I don't find that hot?

As it turns out this story first went around a couple of years ago.  And even then it was thought to be bullshit.  (Which was kinda my first thought also, but you know the old saying, "too good to check.")  Stuff that happens in Russia is likely the result of vodka and krokodil fever dreams anyway, so big grain of salt with the Russky news.

I spent a lot of time looking for this picture. 
See, she even looks like a beauty salon lady. 
Now I can't even use it.  Bummer. 

I will now get back to the post I was working on regarding the negotiations on the debt ceiling with riveting insights into the implications for the Republican Party and the Obama presidency.  Fascinating stuff.  You're gonna love it.

Is Washington trying to become the next Florida?

Crazy shit in the State of Washington.

Can anyone please explain to me the appeal that guys in prison have for some women.  Some woman married the fucking Night Stalker Richard Ramirez for chrissakes.  The Menendez brothers even managed to score a couple of wives.

Six and a half years ago a shitbird named Dominick Maldonado shot up the Tacoma Mall and wounded seven people including one victim who is now confined to a wheelchair.  A real sweetheart this guy.  Well, one woman thinks he is.  Quynh Maldonado is the blushing bride of Dominick after marrying him in a ceremony at Clallam Bay Prison where he is serving 163 years.  Talk about a deferred honeymoon.  While most of us would look at Dominick Maldonado and see a scum sucking criminal, Quynh sees the love of her life.  The thing that gives this story it's hook is the fact that...and there is no other way to put it...Quynh is shit hot prime trim.  Young and sexy.  If you watch the video the producers shoot Quynh like the beginning of a soft porn vid on Skinemax.  Fuck me heels and a short tight skirt with the accent on her full mouth and the glossy lips. Usually most of the broads in these prison relationships are fat, old spinsters with severe issues.  Not that Quynh is devoid of problems such as the fact that she is dumb as the proverbial bag o' hammers.

The lovely Quyhn and her prison paramour. 

She fell instantly in love with Dominick when she saw him on TV and started writing to him when she was 17.  She had plenty of time on her hands since she "quit school in ninth grade 'cause I couldn't stand the whole bullying thingy."  She's currently a little mifffed at her hubby because he tried to break out of prison (with another inmate who was killed in the attempt) and now they can't see each other for another year.  (And conjugal visits were just around the corner.  Hubba hubba.)  He's now been transferred to another prison and being held in maximum security.  So the only sex Dominick will be having will be with himself.

But Quyhn can't stay mad at her hoodlum heartthrob because he did it to be with her, you see.  Now I happen to think this little sex kitten is an attention whore who is not going to forgo male attention (i.e. fucking) until Dominick is up for parole when he's 96.  So is Quyhn crazy?  "No, but I'm just like crazy in love with him."  Aaaaawwwwwwww.....

For some reason the video wouldn't embed but here is a link without the commercial.  Guys, you can start rubbing yourself at around the 1:15 mark.  The hot legs shot is about 1:45.

More Washington State jail Fuckery.

Mark Gilbert is the kind of guy that really doesn't want to end up in prison.  Beyond the normal reasons even.  You see Mark has been charged with sexing up the young boys and videoing the action.  Uh oh, real nasty criminals frown on this kind of stuff.

What makes this interesting is Gilbert is acting as his own attorney.  And you know what attorneys are allowed to do don't you?  They get to review the evidence against their clients.  Mr. Gilbert is a lawyer with Mark as a client.  Which means Mark the Molester (alleged, of course) gets to sit around all day and watch his kiddie porn under the auspices of his jailers.  Hahahahaha!  Isn't the majesty of the law grand?
"Make no mistake -- I don't like it," said Pierce County Sheriff Paul Pastor. "But it is not my choice whether to do it or not to do it. There's no question that I don't like it. There's no question that this makes me grind my teeth. 
"We don't like it. We don't want to do it, but we have to follow the law. The fix here is to change the law," said Pierce County Prosecutor Mark Lindquist.

Mark Gilbert watching his favorite videos. 
You don't want to see what his hands are up to.  

Just to make sure the other prisoners don't get their popcorn and sit down to enjoy the show, Gilbert has to do his viewing in a separate room.   Which I'm sure suits him just fine.    

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Another penis sacrificed to The Cult of Lorena Bobbit.

The Funeral Guy has been tracking penis slicing, burning and all around abuse (not counting self-abuse) since we started.  See here, here and here.

I think we now have a new contender for the Queen of Dick Destruction.  Catherine Kieu Becker, 48, was in the process of divorcing her husband when she laced his food with either poison or some kind of sleeping nostrum.  Mr. Becker went to slumber town and upon awakening found himself tied to the bed.  Catherine approached with a knife and sliced off the Becker Pecker and (shudder) threw it in the garbage disposal.  Then, with what I can only imagine to be a maniacal cackle she turned on the switch.  Ye gods, picture the horror of that poor man.  The grinding sound of his peenie flesh mixing with chicken bones and potato peels as tissue, veins and capillaries meet the whirling blades of the trusty Insinkerator™.  Mrs. Becker called the cops before her husband bled to death and told them on arrival that he "deserved it".   Police have said there's been no record of domestic abuse so a motive is now being sought.  Motive?  How about she's a fucking vengeful menopausal shrew?

Catherine Kieu Becker. 
Knows where to hit a guy and make it hurt.  

Some women really have a penchant for this kind of revenge.  Catherine, who has been charged with aggravated mayhem, false imprisonment and assault with a deadly weapon, will soon be spinning tales of drunkenness, cruelty, and leaving the toilet seat up on the part of the poor penis-less Mr. Becker.  With the added bonus of celebrity famewhore attorney Gloria Allred by her side giving sympathy and comfort, I bet.  I know they don't give the death penalty for anything short of murder, but come on.  Shouldn't there be an exception for this?

What the hell was Mr. Becker (no first name yet) doing breaking bread with this unbalanced battle-ax?  If you're getting a divorce, get the fuck out of the house.  Get a hotel room and keep a gun under your pillow.  Even the meekest women are capable of extreme derangement.  Always be on your guard, especially when they get real quiet.  I appreciate that the article goes into great detail about what to do if you ever find your penis has been detached from your body.  For god's sake!  How often does this happen?

When a man gets domestically violent he might hit the woman.  He might even shoot or stab her.  Very rarely will he cut her tits off or otherwise do damage to her vagina.  Woman are like angry chimps.  After they tear your face off they go straight for your genitals.

I wonder if a guy in a gay marriage would ever cut his spouse's dick off.  I suspect we'll find out soon enough.

(Sigh) Rodney...Rodney...Rodney...

Rodney King.
The latest in a long line of police portraits. 

Rodney King, habitual criminal, serial drunk driver and civil rights icon, was arrested (yet again) by Moreno Valley (CA) police for DUI yesterday.  This was a misdemeanor charge since luckily he didn't kill or injure anybody and Rodney was released on $2500 bail.  The 46-year old King, who received a 3.8 million dollar settlement after being the recipient of some LAPD street justice after a high speed chase in 1991, has been in and out of trouble since 1987.  I'm just mentioning the date for those bleeding hearts who insist that Rodney was an A-OK citizen until the nasty LA cops beat the shit out of him.  Keep in mind that a number of Rodney's arrests involved violence towards women.  Nice.  Since the 1991 beatdown Rodney has spent his settlement money on booze and getting in trouble.

I came to know Rodney as a well-meaning but dimwitted rumdum from his stint on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew.  (Along with now deceased rehab mate Kevin Conaway.)  Favorite scene:  Rodney puking by the tire of his work truck while being painfully hungover in the middle of his workday.

So good luck, Mr. King.  This is just a misdemeanor bump in the road in your illustrious career as an unending fuck-up in the Game of Life.  Lesson for the rest of us?  If you are serious about your recovery don't do your rehabbing in front of a camera under the celebrity tutelage of Dr. Drew.

Go here for a complete list of Rodney's run-ins with Johnnie Law.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Songwriter ups his profile in search for record deal.

"How many times I gotta tell 'ya, baby?  
Ya' gotta hot body, but you ain't my goddam muse...see?"

I'm not saying that smacking your chick is ever funny, but I gotta admit I got a chuckle out of this.  Jason Banks, 29, is an aspiring songwriter in Ambridge, Pennsylvania.  His woman was apparently hectoring him about the fact that he never channeled his talents towards immortalizing her in song.  An honor, she complained, previously bestowed on women other than herself.

Jason, being an artistic sort (high strung and all) replied by walloping her in the face and choking her out.  Nothing major, just a little tune-up with a side order of attitude adjustment.  Jason was arrested and charged with simple assault.

A quick Google search turns up no picture of Jason Banks/Songwriter (other than some British metal dude on MySpace), nor any musical accomplishments duly noted on the internet.  (A low bar to be sure, as you can even find The Funeral Guy with a Google click.)

So I guess you could say this was Jason Banks's one and only "hit".