My new favorite gal is back in the news.

Laura at her smiling, sober, going to court best.   

Laura Hall, god bless her.  She's got pluck and spunk and I'll put money on her to prove to the world that she will not let The Man keep her from being drunk off her ass if she wants to.

When last we saw our favorite, famous, fucked-up floozie, she had just been handed her DBO (Drunk Banning Order) and was on her way to international reknown.   Yesterday she appeared in court for her drunk and disorderly charge that she got on April 11th.  A violation of her Asbo that was all of ten days ago and just a few days before she got banned from every pub and liquor establishment in Britain and Wales.  Some new details of Laura's shenanigans have now come to light.

 The Laura that we've come to know and love.

Booty shorts, patterned tights, bra strap showing, 

a glass of booze and total drunk face. 

According to the story in the Daily Mail (UK), when Laura is in her cups she's prone to assaults, attacks on police officers, causing criminal damage, and drunk and disorderly.  26 convictions in all (so far).

District Judge Bruce Morgan gave Laura an ass-chewing and he was clearly not amused.

"A female with a record like this - it's absolutely despicable and represents all that is rotten in society nowadays."

(Hold on there judge.  That be sexist talk.  Save some of your ire for the yobs.)

And:

"You can't go on behaving like this in public - it must be a frightening sight to see you in full sail behaving in a violent and aggressive manner."

(Yeah...frightening...as in completely and totally Hawwwwwttttttt!!!!!)

Judge Bruce also fined our little lass 75 quid for the offense and 100 for costs.
Damn.  That's some serous drinking money.

Drunk Laura photo thanks Dlisted.

The Nanny State vs The State of Inebriation.

My absolute favorite picture in the genre of drunk chick behavior. 

Thirty years ago Laura Hall, 20, would have been my dream girl.  Young, cute and a total fucking lush.

 Laura Hall.  Good time party girl.

Is that a crime? 

This story should put Laura in the All Time Top 10 of Drunk British Chicks but it is infuriatingly lacking in details.  We have the fact that Laura's been slapped with an Asbo for being a blotto bimbo.  We talked about Asbo's here.  Basically, an Asbo (Anti-social behavior order) is a civil order to stop acting like a yob or a slatternly laddete.  (It's a Brit thing.)  You're not exactly a criminal, but you're far from a model citizen.  It's kind of like being grounded.  Only by the state instead of your parents.

So Laura violates the Asbo for continuing to be chronically crocked.  The next step?  A DBO.  This is a Drinking Banning Order and it means just what it says.  YOU MAY NO LONGER BUY LIQUOR OR ENTER AN ESTABLISHMENT THAT SERVES LIQUOR.  WE, THE GOVERNMENT, HAVE SPOKEN.

What makes Laura the Grand Mistress of Stew Bums is that her DBO extends to all of Britain and Wales.  That is a first.  Bitch has to hop a ferry to Ireland to get her drink on.  All this and she's not even 21.  Although I think the legal drinking age in Britain is 11.  (Lexxie, check that one for me, will ya?  That's a girl.)

This is the nanny state bullshit that Britain is becoming known for.  The police are fucking worthless when it comes to dealing with real crime so they spend their time hassling the citizenry over petty little shit.  No wonder the people drink themselves to the point where the whole country should be in some kind of fucking rehab.

Now I'm not saying that Laura isn't an extremely annoying, slutty little whiskey sponge.   Like I said, it's impossible to tell from the story just what exactly are the specific behaviors that got her banned from every pub and liquor selling establishment in the country.   How bad do you have to be to be the one degenerate rummy singled out in an island nation overflowing with them?  Was she puking on folks in the public house?  (Eeeeuuuuwww!)  Or drunkenly screwing strangers on park benches?  (Haaaaawt!!)  Whatever.  If she's committing crimes throw her in the chokey and sentence her to some kind of program.  If she's just a garden variety souse, then let her have at it until she decides to get help or dies of cirrhosis.   Don't throw some stupid unenforceable ban on the woman, pat yourself on the back and say, "Well that's that, then.  Job well done."

This brings to mind a time in the 80's when your humble narrator was bum-rushed from a local Irish bar in Burbank for being too shit-faced on St. Patrick's Day.  St. Patrick's Day, for god's sake!  Have I ever mentioned I'm of Irish heritage?  This was a moment of clarity that eventually brought me around to sobriety.

So just one thought for Laura.  Honey, you're only 20.  You don't want to be a doughy, bleary-eyed barfly at 35, do you?   Hopefully your moment of clarity will come sooner than mine did.  Believe me, it'll save you a whole world of grief.

England swings like a pendulum do...

Shit happens in Britain that for whatever reason wouldn't happen anyhere else.  Cases in point.

Brit sex still allowed... just don't enjoy it too much.

Do you know what an Asbo is?  I didn't either.  And no, it's not some yob slang for asshole.  It stands for Anti-social behavior order.  This is something that is issued in Britain for things that are not really worthy of a real arrest but they want you to cease and desist from being...well...I guess, an asshole.

Caroline Cartwright, 49, has been issued an Asbo.  What kind of anti-social behavior was she guilty of you ask?  Keying cars?  Pushing around old ladies?  Not separating her paper from her plastics?  No...when Caroline has fucky time with her husband, Steve, the moans and groans, shrieks, squeaks and squeals combined with the banging of the bed causes major disturbance to the neighbors.  That is some world class coitus.

I, and most people if they're being honest, would admit that the sound of a couple getting their freak on is kinda arousing.  On the other hand, I don't necessarily want to spend 24 hours a day listening to it.  (First of all, I need my sleep.  Secondly, I'm old and after a time the jealousy factor would kick in.)

I can only gather that the sound of the Cartwrights banging, boning and boinking must be like a herd of fornicating, feral felines since this has reached the point where Caroline has been arrested for violating the Asbo.  Steve and Caroline even moved their bed into the dining room in an effort to keep the caterwauling inside the walls.

Holy shit!  What about Steve? Shouldn't there be some kind of law against being just so goddam good between the sheets that your wife can't control herself to the point where the neighbors have to call the police?  This has been going on for four years.  Can't they come up with a compromise that when Steve starts laying the pipe, Caroline has to put a rolled up towel in her mouth.

Steve and Caroline Cartwright.

What makes me think that the main problem 

is when the nooky noises start, the neighbors have

to live with the picture of these two in their heads. 

Gay weddings as only the Brits can do it.

Sharon Hancox and Nicola Hutin, both 40, were celebrating that very special day we've come to know as gay lesbian nuptials.  But...as with most happy occasions in Jolly Ol' England too much strong drink spoiled the festivities.

Wife Nicola Hutin and Husband Sharon Hancox. 

Butchy bared breasts and stiletto heels.

Doctor, my eyes...my eyes...

The reception, which was being held at some joint called Champers bar, exploded into violence when Sharon the groom got three sheets to the wind after eight pints of lager mixed with champagne and she accused doorman David Jenkins of allowing an unwanted guest (Female.  Ex-lover?) into the proceedings.  Sharon then pulled down her gown, exposed her lesbianic ladylumps and called Mr. Jenkins a pervert.  (Jenkins is the pervert???!!! Is he the one exposing himself at a reception for a gay wedding?  I swear to god, the world is spinning off its axis.)   Bride Nicola, joined the fracas and David the doorman takes a blow to the forehead with a two inch stiletto heel wielded by the shitfaced Sharon.  The drinks will flow and the blood will spill to quote Thin Lizzy.

Eventually, the dust settles and the sapphic celebration is told to clear the fuck out.

At the subsequent legal proceeding Mr. Jenkins testified that he'd had previous run-ins with Hancox.  (One can only imagine.)  Hancox retorted that Jenkins "assualted her" and that he "pulled her tits out two years ago."

After all was said and done Sharon Hancox pled to assault and got community service and a fine.  In this country she probably would have been sentenced to anger management classes and some kind of alcohol diversion.  This does not happen in the UK as angry drunken behavior is one of the few sources of national pride they have left.