If you can squeeze a baby through a vagina you should be able to fit a head shop and a tattoo parlor in your ass... and more straight poop of the day.

It's been a slow news day.

The big story is that Helen Thomas, loony, far-left reporter and jew-hating old crone, will be flying her broomstick out the White House briefing room and retiring a mere four decades past her prime.  Here's hoping she doesn't wind up in a nursing home somewhere in Miami.  Wouldn't want to check out of this life with a pillow over your face, eh' Bubbe?

"It's the Jews...the Jews, I tell 'ya.

Always the goddam Jews!!!!"

MTV, a channel that used to actually play music, held their Annual Movie Awards last night.  I hear that there was edgey profanity and even edgier comedy bits.  Ho hum, wake me when it's over.  That's why there's not much celebrity news today since all the airheads, egomaniacs and glamourous nitwits are sleeping off their hangovers after attending the dazzling gala.  It may take a day or two to find out if anyone is decomposing following an after party overdose.  Ooohh!  Keep your fingers crossed.

Katy Perry.

The only two reasons to watch the MTV Movie Awards.

Speaking of MTV, I've been pondering whether to comment on this little nugget.  OK, since you asked so nice, I will.  Even the creator of The Jersey Shore calls his Downfall of Western Civilization guidoville dreck a "herpes nest" where Valtrex falleth like a gentle rain.  The reason why I hesitated is that it hardly qualifies as news that Snooki, J-Woww, The Situation and whoever the fuck else populates this shitfest is a petri dish of oozing, venereal pestilence.

Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi.
In order to catch herpes somebody had to fuck her.

Who would do such a thing?

On the crime blotter, police in Wenatchee, Washington were quite amazed by the amount of contraband that came into their jail via the poop chute of one of their arrestees.  A cigarette lighter, cigarette papers, a golf ball sized baggy of tobacco, a bottle of tattoo ink, eight tattoo needles, and a small bag of reefer with dope pipe all came out of the outlaw's orifice.  Franky, I'm astonished that they're astonished.  Obviously, they've never seen the sheer gaping artistry of pornstar butt slut Sasha Grey.  Sasha, the Queen of the Extreme Ream, could have placed the above items in a tackle box before insertion without raising a sweat.  The only difficulty would have been keeping it from falling out as she strolled through security.

Sasha Grey.

Don't be fooled by her diminutive size, 

she's got a colon like a clown car. 

I won't provide any links to Sasha's "art".  I'm sure you know where to look.

Is it hot in here? Or is it just...you!

Debrahlee Lorenzana is suing Citibank on the grounds she was wrongfully terminated because she was just too damned sexy for bank work.  Ms. Lorenzana claims that just because her business attire is straining at the seams it's not her fault if her male co-workers can't handle the hotness.  The lawsuit alleges the obligatory sexist comments and blah blah blah.

Citibank says she was let go for not bringing in enough new customers.  (How could this be possible with her ostensibly superlative business acumen and indisputable lusciousness?)

Let's dissect this one a bit.  You know me.  I'm not what you call cynical but...I'm getting a faint whiff of famewhoredom.

Debrahlee Lorenzana on what is clearly 

a very nippy day in the Big Apple. 

Right off the bat I'll give Debrahlee the benefit of the doubt on the pornstar spelling of her name, since this has been a common parental conceit since the 70's.  (Just as an aside, I am so grateful that my folks didn't give me a name that every time I did business over the phone I had to go, "...OK...I'm gonna need to spell that for you...")

And really?  Did the execs at Citibank start rubbing themselves when Debrahlee sashayed down the hall?  In today's corporate culture did men who have probably been through a dozen HR sexual harassment seminars risk throwing their careers out the window by making overtly creepazoid comments to delectable Debrahlee?  I suppose it's possible she's such a siren that a guy just can't help himself, but I'm skeptical.

I will grant that Debrahlee is pretty fetching.  But...this is New York City, which like Los Angeles has hot alluring women in glorious abundance.  I see Debrahlee caliber broads every day.  Even at banks.  (And especially when I get home.  Right, Honey?)  In Omaha she'd be a traffic stopper, but for NYC and LA she's not extraordinarily off the charts.  Debrahlee is also 33 years old and appears to be a gal of borderline zaftig proportions.  What is now voluptuous will in a few years be "weight problem".   Not trying to be mean here, but she was the one who put her babeitude up for discussion.

Next, if you go to the link there is a video and a whole bunch of dreamy, dishy Debrahlee photos.  Here's Debrahlee on the sidewalk with protruding nipples.   Here's Debrahlee in the office wearing fuck-me-pumps.  Here's busty Debrahlee in a tight sweater.  And my personal favorite, Debrahlee spilling out of her slinky dress.  Whoo hoo!  And there is plenty more on other websites.   Anybody else starting to notice that for a serious businesswoman Debrahlee sure has a lot of provocative pictures of herself floating around the interwebs?  Forgive me if I'm not quite ready to give Debrahlee the Norma Rae/I Am Woman Hear Me Roar Proclamation just yet.

On the other hand, I could be totally out to lunch on this one and Debrahlee Lorenzana is a straight up, bona fide victim of the corporate male patriarchy at its most base.  Let me reiterate that Debrahlee is real beauty and it is certainly no crime for a woman to have the nicest body that God, cosmetic surgery and 24 Hour Fitness can give you. (As a matter of fact, I wholeheartedly encourage it.)

So when the time comes and the Playboy, Maxim and other stroke book offers roll in, and the reality show producers start asking if she might consider drunkenly climbing all over Brett Michaels on the Rock of Love bus, let's hear what she has to say.  If she says, "How dare you, sir.  I am a serious person.  A woman of substance.  You can take your sleazy, cheap shot at fame and shove it right up your ass!"

On that day The Funeral Guy will gladly eat his hat.  (If he had one.)

Boys are programmed to do stupid things, but this is just nuts.

When I was a younger man, in the days before health insurance, I had two criteria for going to the doctor. One was any uncontrollable spurting blood, the other was anything remotely out of the ordinary with my penis.  (I can only imagine what I would have done if my penis ever uncontrollably spurted blood.)

There is a new act of adolescent sociopathy going around (spurred on by YouTube, naturally) where an unsuspecting victim will be sucker punched right in the family jewels.  Fun stuff, huh?  This sounds like the kind of tomfoolery the brainless asshat that invented guzzling booze through your eye would come up with.

It's a little more than teenage hijinks for David Gibbons, 14, the unfortunate boy who is now one gonad shy of the requisite two that God intended.  After a punch to the groin that has acquired the innocuous name of "sack tapping" David went home and woke up that night in excruciating pain and was taken to the hospital where his ruptured testicle was surgically removed.  The urologist, Dr. Scott Wheeler, says that he does three to four of these surgeries a year.  Authorities are weighing whether the assailant will be criminally charged.

David Gibbons.

Destined to spend his life dedicated 

to the preservation of his one remaining ball.

For some reason boys, feral little shits that they are, always seem to go for the groin.  When I was a lad there was frequently a gathering in the little boy's room for a ritual known as "shab fights".  This involved cupping your yarbles with one hand while attacking your opponent's crotch with your other hand in an upturned clawing motion.   I hasten to add this was not a gladiatorial spectacle I participated in, although I did provide running color commentary.   Looking back, I should have been a prime bully target, being scrawny and totally disinclined towards manly sports.  The only thing that saved me was that it's hard to hit someone that's making you laugh.  Then at fourteen I was in a popular band and the bullies became roadies in order to score overflow groupies.

There are some things that I never understood about guys even though I are one.  When men are young and the sap of virility is running really thick there is an abundance of really suspect shit that goes on.  Wrestling and roughhousing, sack tapping, shab fights, crossing swords, towel snapping (in the shower!!) and fraternity brother ass paddling star chambers.  I wanted no part of any of it.

Male bonding or thinly veiled homoeroticism?  I'll let you make the call.

Senile Rocker performs at White House because Barack Obama has nothing else to occupy his time.

Anyone who's read this blog for awhile is aware that I grew up a huge Beatles fan.  That said, Paul McCartney was always my least favorite.  Even from the beginning he always had the air of a man that was just way too pleased with himself.

So it shouldn't come as any surprise, I suppose, that he would see a kindred spirit in our own Narcissist in Chief, Barack the Magnificent.  The two leading members of their own fan clubs got together the other night in honor of Sir Paul receiving the Gershwin Prize.  After kissing the rather large ass of the First Lady by dedicating the treacly chestnut "Michelle" to her, Sir Paul, the private jet flying environmentalist, had to throw a dig at George Bush while planting his nose firmly between the butt cheeks of the current president.  Here's what the Mozart who wrote "Silly Love Songs" said, [Referencing the Library of Congress] "After the last eight years, it's great to have a president who knows what a library is."  After this brilliant bon mot all the attending sycophants, suck-ups and Washington leeches hooted and clapped like the good little trained seals they are.  Here's the clip.



You see.  It's funny because EVERYBODY knows that George W. Bush was the stupidest man to ever occupy the Oval Office.  (Except when he was being an Evil Genius of Machiavellian proportions.)  And EVERYBODY knows that Barack Hussein Obama is a whiz kid of uniquely boundless intellect and leadership abilities that are beyond the understanding of us ungrateful wretches that he deigns to give His governance over.  No affirmative action hire He.

Poor George Bush.  When reached for comment regarding Sir Paul's assessment of his lack of intellectual firepower all Dubya could do was shake his head and say, "I might be stupid.  But even I'm not stupid enough to marry a one-legged, gold-digging fucking whore who took me to the cleaners to the tune of 40 million dollars just for the privilege of getting rid of her."

Update:  As tbird points out in his comment it was 38.9 million and I have corrected my typo (and rounded up).  I guess I should be more accurate even when I'm making up quotes.  I wholeheartedly agree with tbird that is still some majorly expensive poon, even if amputee sex is your bag, baby.  

Third in line for the presidency. I'm truly frightened.

I meant to post this a couple of days ago but I got busy with DP.  (No, that's not Double Penetration you filthy minded heathens.  That's Dead People.)

The only way to explain this is either too many meds or too few meds.  That, coupled with the fact that Nancy Pelosi is the dumbest female politician in California history, beating out even Barbara Boxer and Linda and Loretta, the dimwitted Sanchez sisters.

My own guess is that Nancy's dermatologist injected her head with helium instead of her usual quart of botox.  Here it is if you haven't seen it.



There.  Do you know what the fuck she's talking about?  The Word is her favorite word?  Is she trying to talk about Christianity without using the name Christ?  Is the bird the word?  Is Grease the word?  Say the word and you'll be free, Say the word and be like me?

Can you imagine if George Bush said something this moronic?  Oh, wait,  George W. Bush would be excoriated for trying to turn the nation into a theocracy.

If she was trying to testify as to her religious beliefs, all I can say is I've had a more coherent explanation of spirituality at 3:00 in the morning from a bass player who just shot a speedball.

This is one way to move up in the MMA rankings.

I don't know shit about mixed martial arts fighting or its participants, but by definition I would assume that they are all sorts of badass.

Jarrod Wyatt.

Killer of Satan. (If only!)

Jarrod Wyatt has proved to be the baddest of the bad by ripping the heart from the chest of his training partner, Taylor Powell. Unfortunately, because it would have been the coolest thing ever, he didn't do it like one of those cheesy choppy-socky Hong Kong kung-fu flicks where the guy reaches right into his opponents chest and pulls out his still beating heart.  No.  Jarrod did it the old fashioned way...with a knife.  Not only did Jarrod cut an 18 inch hole in the hapless Mr. Powell, he also sliced out his tongue  and removed a majority of his face.  Jarrod then cooked the body parts on the stove.  Man, those have got to be some one-of-kind crime scene photos.  

What could cause a man who does violence to other men for a living to take the next step to murder most heinous?  According to witnesses, Jarrod was hosting a little hallucinogenic mushroom tea party and Taylor forgot to bring the crumpets which enraged our crazy cage fighter.  Just kidding.  Actually, Jarrod had a bad reaction to the psychedelics and began to realize that his buddy was a vessel for Satan himself.  What do you do when faced with Beelzebub?  You fuck him up with a knife...Big Time.  

Mr. Wyatt has been charged with aggravated mayhem and torture in addition to first degree murder.  His lawyer is pleading that his client had a psychotic break presumably exacerbated by the 'shrooms.  Would any of us be surprised if anabolic steroid abuse turns up in this whole mess?  

In my personal drug history the chapter on acid, mescaline and mushrooms is a very short one.  Didn't like 'em much.  Too unpredictable.  You want to go slow?  Barbiturates and opiates.  Want to go fast?  Cocaine and speed.  Want to just get mellow?  Weed is what you need.  You pretty much know what you're going to get every time, except for those pesky occasional overdoses.  But acid and all that psychedelic shit?  Spinning your brain sideways like an uncontrollable top is a good way to take a header right off the face of the Earth, Bro'.  

Disclaimer: The Funeral Guy does not condone and in fact downright advises that you stay away from all mood altering substances including legal ones.  

Happy Memorial Day

God Bless all of our heroes.  The living and those no longer with us.  We owe you what can never be fully repaid.  We will never forget.

The Columbarium at Arlington National Cemetery.

Miss you, Mom and Dad.

The shit some people will do.

At one time I might have been shocked at this kind of behavior.  But then I saw that MTV extravaganza of guido fuckery, The Jersey Shore, and now nothing coming from the Garden State would surprise me in the least.

In Haddon Township, a 17 year old student took a dump in another kid's soda during shop class.  Even the dumb fuck jokers that ended up in shop class back in my day never pulled anything this simpleminded.  The victim took a sip of the poopy potion then immediately spat it out to the great merriment of his fellow lunkheads.

The cops and prosecutors were less amused with the coprophiliac cretin who eventually pled down from aggravated assault to a count of tampering with a food product.  Tampering?  That's a nice way of saying you gave a guy a shit shake to drink.

Ehhhh...So I took a shaduke in some douchebags drink.

Whaaaaatt!!??  Is that a big fuckin' deal here? 

The judge's sentence was appropriate.  Probation and community service which I'm sure this bozo is no stranger to.  But then the judge threw in the kicker.  Write a 1000 word essay on why it's unhealthy to ingest fecal matter.

A thousand word essay?  For this imbecile that's going to be a life sentence.

Teacher of the Year? And how!!! (Teacher/Student sex Pt. 5,678)

I'm a little shocked at this.  I always thought of  female teachers banging students as a white girl proclivity.  Well, I am all for diversity when it comes to this kind of stuff.

Keenon Aampay Hall, 29, is not only one hot sistah, she's the Teacher of the Year at Shiloh HS in Gwinnett County, Georgia.  Her big boy toy was on the football team and she went after him like Lawrence Taylor sacking a teenage hooker with a bag of crack.  She and her schoolboy paramour bumped the uglies in a hotel, at her friend's house and in the classroom during school hours.  Not only that, when she wanted to have a baboo with her teen stud he refused and she lowered his grade.  Now that is definitely not kosher.

  Keenon Aampay Hall

She gots dem bedroom eyes. 

The seduction story as told by the lucky student victim is pretty funny.  From the article:

"We entered the room...then she gave me some vodka and ask me do I enjoy drinking?  I told her lies about being a good drinker, but honestly after one drink I was done.  She began feeling my man parts and we had sex."

For her part, Hall "admitted to having a sexual relationship with the student".  In her statement to the school district she said it was a "consenual (sic) relationship".   Please take note that the Teacher of the Year can't spell the word "consensual".

Keenon's mother, Connie Hall, jumped to her defense.  "My daughter didn't have any inappropriate relationship with no under-aged student.  She resigned for medical reasons, that's what the paperwork shows."  She blames her daughter's problems on stress caused by mouthy teens and pushy parents.

The proud parentals are still wondering why Keenon never got her Teacher of the Year ring and dad Dennis Hall is making noises about a defamation lawsuit because her reputation was destroyed by "the word of one knucklehead."  Uh...Earth to Connie and Dennis...your daughter admitted to doing the shag nasty with her student.  Get a fucking clue, will 'ya?

I, myself, blame the school district.  In her application letter Keenon warned them that she had "a passion for education and working with children."

They should have known that she meant a passion for the sexual education of hunky young football players by working their "man parts" to orgasm.

A clash of civilizations. Islam loves camels. The west loves cameltoe.

Another story to illustrate how hard it is to drag the Muslim faith into the 14th century, much less the 21st.

Those crazy purveyors of Sharia Law in Pasi Jambu, West Aceh, Indonesia are forcing women caught wearing pants into those stupid non-sexy skirts.  Muslim men being so out of control that if they even get a glance of V at the bottom of a women's zipper they'll have thoughts that will send them to hell.  If I was king of Indonesia all skirts would be short, tight and only worn with high heels.  Anyway, back in reality, 20,000 of the skirts are being distributed to women breaking the law against indecent clothing.  I guess those shit nuts mullahs are afraid of starting up the earthquakes again.

I'm sorry, but even if you put Megan Fox 

in this she'd look like a frump.

The women are rightly bitching not because they desire to be Indonesian Paris Hiltons, but just for the utility of pants versus skirts when it comes to riding bicycles and motorbikes which is the main mode of transportation in this particular third world dirt puddle.
 

Aceeptable Muslim Cameltoe.

This is how we do Cameltoe

in the good ol' US of A.  

In further decrees by the insane Indonesian Islamists, adulterers will be stoned to death and homosexuals and pedophiles will be publicly lashed and imprisoned.

OK.  I'm with you when it comes to the kid touchers.