Some guy on CNN is gay. Possibly two guys. Are there more? One can only wonder.

I never watch CNN.  It's boring and liberal and boring.  I know who Larry King is but he's gone.  Don Lemon is apparently an anchor on the network.  He tweeted that he was gay.  I'm pretty sure Larry King wasn't gay.  He had sex with his sister-in-law.  That's not gay.  I know a lot of folks tweet, but I think tweeting is kinda gay.  Don Lemon even wrote a book about being gay...and black...apparently that's double hard.  No pun intended...really.   I don't really know who Don Lemon is.  Because I never watch CNN, I guess.  Isn't Anderson Cooper supposed to be gay?  Did he tweet about it?  Everybody seems to be tweeting.  If they called it something else like "short bursts of typing" it might sound less gay.  I really don't know about these things.  I need to get out more.  I'm beginning to suspect that a lot of people are gay.  Do I care?  I don't actually.  Sometimes when I run out of things to say I'm tempted to drop into the conversation that I'm gay.  I think it would be funny, but my wife wouldn't.  I'm pretty sure she'd be embarrassed.  Even more embarrassed than she usually is by my behavior.  I had a discussion with someone once about if we would let a Thai Lady Boy give us oral sex.  I said I probably would.  That's kinda gay.  But not really really gay.  Because it's like a girl and you don't touch the other part.  So not gay.  Purely hypothetical.  Although I hope my wife doesn't read this.  That would be embarrassing.

 Don Lemon.  Confirmed Gay. 

Looks like a nice young man. 

I really like his tie. 

Anderson Cooper.  Gay? 

I read once he collects antiques.  

His blue eyes are really pretty. 

This is really all I have to say on this matter.  Is it too much for a tweet?  I need to try that sometime.  Go back to whatever it was you were doing.

French IMF head is an even bigger shitbird than first suspected.

Let's put aside for a moment that this fucking mope is basically a stupid spray tanned bag of cum with a spear for a dick.

Dominique Strauss-Kahn is a socialist, as in capital S, Socialist Party.  You know, the ones that want to stick their big Gallic euro-schnozzes into everybody else's business.  Always going on and on about equality blah, blah, blah.  Well,  it turns out when he was doing his dinky-do with the chambermaid he was staying in a $3000 a night room at one of New York's swankiest hotels.  The EU economy is going down the dumper right quick, all the leaders are preaching austerity, austerity, austerity and Mr. Fire Balls here is living like a Saudi prince.  Seriously, who the fuck does this guy think he is?  Al Gore?  John Edwards?  Sheeesh!!!!

It is now coming to light that Monsieur Strauss-Kahn is like Tiger Woods without the backswing.  I'm only talking in terms of risky horniness.  Tiger was a guy who had to dodge all the pussy being thrown his way and couldn't help but catch some of the overflow.  Rape was never on his scorecard.  This French asshole is just a stubby little troll who saw what he wanted and took it as his natural right.  (There are now other women coming out of the woodwork singing the same song about this masher.)   I'm waiting for the rest of the nose in the air Eurotrash to start tut-tutting about us Americans and our prudish attitudes toward sex.  Yeah, we don't think rape is that cool.  You wanna do something about it?

 Dominique Strauss-Kahn being "Frog" marched into a NYC courtroom.   

This should make a good campaign poster 

when he runs for President of France.  

Let's review what we have so far.  (Innocent until proven guilty...yada yada yada...)  The maid is cleaning the room.  Dominique (I can't get over the chick name on this dude.  Maybe that's part of his problem.) comes out of the bathroom in his birthday suit.   Let's assume he's at full mast and pretty as a picture.  He then chased her down a hallway and pulled her into a room and assaulted her.   The victim fought him off and then he dragged her into the bathroom and forced her to perform oral sex while trying to get her panties off.  The maid sustained some injuries during the attack and one can hope that Dominique was at least courteous enough to tell her, "You might want to put some ice on that."  (Damn, I was just thinking.  This guy is my age.  I would have been winded as shit and clutching my chest after all this exertion.  And he kept a stiffy during all this?  You can't fool me.  Cialis for daily use.)  Oh, and let's add this wrinkle.  Left wing white man sexually assaults African (assuming black) hotel maid.  Liberals? Al Sharpton?  Hello?  (chirp...chirp....chirp....)

The thing that kills me?  They caught him because after he hightailed it to his plane (First Class seating, of course.) he called the hotel to see if someone could bring him his cell phone.  Didn't want to lose all the pics of his boner that he has on it would be my guess.  What a fucking dumbass.  Criminals that stick up 7-11's and drop their wallets at the scene laugh at this jamoke.

I posted yesterday that nothing would happen to this guy but I'm starting to reassess.  The judge said flight risk, no bail.  (Roman Polanski spoiled that dodge for all the foreign rapists.)  He's off to Rikers Island where he may pick up some lessons in sexual assault from some real pros.  I'm beginning to think this jerk-off is in some deep shit.  There's only two conclusions you can come to about this guy.  With all he is and all he has to lose he must either be just one of those powerful guys who thinks he can get away with anything.  (Cough cough...former president....cough...cough...)  Or he is completely deranged.

Maybe Bill Clinton can get his law license reinstated and join his defense team.

  "I'm just going to tell you this once.  I did not have 

sexual relations with that woman...that African hotel maid." 

Donald Trump fires himself from presidential race. The hairball that lives on his head is still undecided.

Fly Away Little Bird, Fly Away!

The Donald Trump I'm Gonna Be President and Bone Those Chinks Right Up The Ass Express has pulled into the station and will be mothballed at least for the 2012 race.

Let's be real, this was a joke from the start, right?  Once the press started crawling up his ass with a magnifying glass, that was going to be the end of it anyway.  The press will protect their boy Obama and Trump would be just too much fun to ignore.  I don't think you get to be a mogul of The Donald's stature without a lot of sketchy shit and closets bursting with skeletons.  How about about a sit down interview with Marla Maples?  Fun and Fireworks.  Whoo hooo!

I did like how he made Obama all twitchy about the Birth Certificate thing and charging countries serious money for their liberation is an idea whose time has come.   Plus, a presidential candidate that freely curses like a coal miner?  I kind of like that too.  "My fellow fucking Americans.  I am here to report on the State of the goddam Union.  And you know what?  Our union is truly a piece of shit and heading down the crapper at warp speed."   Hahaha.  Now that would be worth watching.

Also it would have been nice to have a First Lady with big cans and not afraid to show 'em.

Now that The Donald is no longer a contender

he can spend more time with his funbags family. 

Australian man odds-on early favorite in 2011 Darwin Awards competition.

Planking?  No, thanks.  I'll stick to wanking and yanking or even sexy spanking and suggest you do the same.  (And ladies?  Keep doing whatever it is that you do.)  I'd never heard of this and you know at my age I just love to stay hep to all the hijinks that the youngsters are grokking.

 This is planking.  Lying stiffly on something and 

having your photo taken. Yep, that's it. 

 Ladies, you're supposed to be smarter than this. 

Planking is lying down in unusual places, your body stiff as a board, being photographed, then posting the results on social networking sites, (i.e. Facebook) for the hilarious effect and thigh slapping amusement of your peer group.  (i.e. other young idiots.)  Harmless fun, I suppose.  It's always harmless fun...UNTIL SOMEBODY DIES!!!

Aussie Acton "Foolish" Beale.  Perpetuating the stereotype of 

good looking guy equals not a lot upstairs.  

And the Grim Reaper is exactly who Mr. Acton Beale met after he unsuccessfully tried to plank himself on a 5cm wide balcony railing.  He then rather predictably by my estimation, fell into the afterlife.  5 centimeters is just a cunt hair under 2 inches for those of us who use real American measuring standards.  Think about that.  Lying stiffly supine on a two inch railing seven stories above the ground.  What could possibly go wrong?   It's not like they put railings on elevated areas to keep people from falling off.  No, they must be there so you can lie on them like a piece of wood.  Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.  Can it get any funnier?   Nobody saw Acton fall which strikes me odd since isn't the photo the whole point?  Maybe he was doing the arms length self photo which has been perfected by amateur internet sluts taking pictures of their asses in their filthy bathrooms.

Be that as it may, Mr. Beale has become a cautionary tale as Aussie police are advising all the young boneheads to have your fun but be safe.  Duh.  Small comfort and a little late for the parents of Mr. Beale as they plan his funeral.

Stupid is as stupid does has been the province of the young for all recorded history.  My parent's generation swallowed goldfish and stuffed as many people in a phone booth as possible.  My fellow boomers simply took copious amounts of drugs.   At least we had the payoff of a nice buzz before the occasional demise from an overdose.

Planking?  More stupid than drugs.  Just say no.

Euro Shock! A beheading not connected to Islam.

Sometimes shit happens to people that is akin to being hit by a meteor.  A British woman named Jennifer Mills-Westley was on holiday (as the Brits say) when some batshit crazy homeless Bulgarian lunatic stabbed her 14 times then hacked off her head.  This occurred in broad daylight in front of God and everybody else that was there on the street.  The Bulgarian head case (oops, sorry) psycho proceeded to prance around with the good lady's bloody noggin while waving it at the tourists by the hair .  Oh, yeah, he was muttering about being "a prophet of God, I will do His justice on earth."  Please note:  no reference to Allah.  I'm pretty hard on the Islamists, but this screwball could have been a Presbyterian.

Jennifer Mills-Westley in happier, headier times.  

From the article:

Manuel Reveron, a local councillor said: "Apparently this gentleman without any motive or any reason, although for this there is no reasoning, entered the shop and then cut this woman's neck and took the head in his hand outside up to the sidewalk."

Now I give Senor Reveron props for being a pretty cool customer with his no nonsense just-the-facts-ma'am eyewitness recounting.  But, dude.  A man that slices a woman's head off in the public square may be a lot of things, but he ain't no gentlemen.

The homeless headchopper (Deyan Valeninov Deyonov, by name) was well known in the area for his belligerent antics, but no one apparently thought enough about it to toss his derelict ass into the bughouse or better yet one of those old Spanish prisons where they beat the soles of your feet with clubs just for fun.  This being Europe I'm sure they were too busy giving out tickets to folks not properly recycling.

Much to the loss of Mrs. Mills-Westley's family.

Just to add a little insult to injury, here is a screen shot from The Telegraph.  Note the #2 item in News Most Viewed.   Then note item #3.

NEWS MOST VIEWED

• TODAY
• PAST WEEK
• PAST MONTH

1. Osama bin Laden hiding place visited by Taliban
2. British woman beheaded in Tenerife named
3. Why I'll never go under the knife - Penelope Cruz
4. Richard Dawkins accused of cowardice for refusing to debate existence of God
5. Mystery helicopter claim over Dr David Kelly death

The French invented blow jobs so I guess they can get them on demand.

 Muckety-muck French pol and presidential wannabe Dominique Strauss-Kahn, 62, had his sad Gallic ass dragged off a plane today after being accused of forcing a maid to polish his knob in a Manhattan hotel room.

According to Port Authority coppers the randy head (tee hee) of the IMF snuck up behind the maid and then forced her to perform oral copulation.  He probably saw her bending over to make the bed and...Sproing!!!  The maid broke free and Dominique (isn't that a chick name?) vamoosed it to the airport.

Apparently Dominique is no stranger to sex scandals since he was accused of putting his pecker on the payroll three years ago.  (The story says "fling with an underling" which make me wonder.  If your secretary rides you reverse cowgirl can you honestly refer to her as an "underling"?)

 You'd think that a dashing French stud such as 

Dominique Strauss-Kahn would have broads 

lining up in droves to service his member.  

Dominique is a member of the French Socialist Party which pretty much tells you all you need to know about feeling entitled to free pussy and everything else.  He saw the maid's saucy buttocks and just did what comes naturally to a powerful, French asshole.  (Just as a side note.  The Funeral Guy has encountered many hotel maids in his rambling rock and roll days.  Contrary to numerous porn flicks and late night fantasies, there are no supermodels working as hotel maids.)  Plus, talk about risky behavior.  Forcing someone to blow you?  Am I alone in seeing the possible negative ramifications to the receiver of this sexual act?  Shit, I've gotten too much teeth from a willing giver.  Do you want to stick your wingwang in the mouth of a woman that is not only scared but possibly really, really angry?  Hasn't this schmuck heard of whores?  For chrissakes, Froggy, New York City is thick with them.  Some of them high class and shit hot.  Open your wallet, dipshit.  Oh, I forgot, you're a socialist.  Everything's free.

Charges are pending.  Which basically means that nothing will happen to this douchebag except for a standing ovation from his horny commie buddies when he gets back to Frogland.

Something tells me there is a Manhattan hotel chambermaid that's about to get a realllllllllly biiiiiiiiiiiig gratuity left on the dresser.

OK, I may be the world's scariest terrorist, but I'm also just a regular guy.

Hello fellow internet pud wackers. It's me. Usama. Or as they call me here in the afterlife, Usama bin Jackin' Off. 

I can't believe the embarrassment. Just when I was making a move to blow up my porn stash one of the Navy Seals shot me above the eye. Ouch! The wound is not so bad now, but my image has taken a real blow (tee hee) now that I've been exposed as just another skeevy internet porn trolling donkey flogger.

This will be my last post here since after further review I'm getting kicked down to Hell. Unfortunately,all the good I did blowing up infidels was outweighed by the violations of all the sex rules. A man can only take so much temptation. Allah (Peace be upon him) never had to deal with the panoply of poon that is available with just the click of a mouse. Maybe having nine year old wives was enough for a man back in olden times. But now, who doesn't get turned on by Japanese girls pissing on each other? You just need more to get you going these days. 

Oh, well. In a lot of ways Hell might be better than here in Paradise. I was walking by one of the rooms and saw one of the blessed martyrs being serviced by one of his virgins. And for Allah's Sake, what a fucking pig! I managed to get a picture on my Iphone. 

Anyway, TaTa. I'm off to the netherworld. Filled with infidels and Jews, I can only imagine. I've been told that if you think of a cool oasis the hot sand enemas are not as bad as you think. And after half an eternity you almost get used to them.


Allah Akbar,
UBL 

The President gets a swollen lip to match his ego.

President Obama supposedly took an elbow to the face in a White House game of hoops on Friday and had to have twelve stitches to close up his lip.

I say supposedly because I'm calling bullshit on this story.  I mean, come on.  You're telling me, that Barack Obama, the hardest working, most dedicated to his country president that this nation has ever been blessed with, spent the day after Thanksgiving fucking around with his buddies?   When myopic  midget North Korean dictators are lobbing missiles at our staunch ally?  When America is hopelessly stuck on near double digit unemployment?  I don't think so.

Hahahahahaha!!  Just kidding.  Of course, Old Jug Ears was goofing off.  And the country is the better for it, let me tell you.  I'm also thinking that if any elbow got anywhere close to the constantly moving presidential mouth, a Secret Service guy would have double-tapped the offender pronto and with extreme prejudice.

Nope.  I'm thinking cover up and it all goes back to (Dum da dum dum) Michelle Obama.  Yep.  I think the First Battleaxe finally realized that with her feckless hubby's procrastination and lack of leadership the Obama family taxes were going to go up.  'Cause dey rich yo'.  Michelle keep the mind on the money and the money on the mind, so she wapped his mug with a fryin' pan.

My other theory is that he had a buddy land a shot to his chops to hide something else from the ever angry Michelle.

A split lip from the basketball court is a lot easier to explain than this.

Just the thing for the Traditional Catholic Funeral Mass.

Classic steam bath poses for a 

fun-filled fapfest at your fabulous funeral.

Hellllllooooo Frisco!!!!!!  Gay-themed coffins are cumming your way.  Men who love men and want to spend eternity surrounded by images of more men (of the oily nude variety) now have their heavenly vessel.

Mike Konigfeld and his partner (in both senses) Tom Brandi, designers in Cologne, Germany have coffins (we call 'em caskets in this country, pardner) that are tastefully adorned with muscular young men graphics that are sure to put the stiffie on your stiff.

I'm certain that for a few extra Euros, your friendly flaming funeral director will casket you pantsless, face-down and biting the pillow.

Ru Paul's nephew arrested for terrorism.

Mohamed Osman Mohamud in addition to hating the United States 

was upset that his local Wal-Mart ran out of eyeliner and lip gloss on Black Friday. 

A Somali immigrant with the shockingly unlikely name of Mohamed Osman Mohamud was arrested in Portland for allegedly plotting to blow up Christmas revelers on the day after Thanksgiving.

Mohamed who is as short on brains as he is long on beauty, was exchanging emails with what he thought were Pakistani jihadis, but were in fact, U.S. agents of the FBI.  Oh, snap!

In related news, President Obama immediately issued a preemptive pardon to Mr. Mohamed Mohamud as part of his longstanding outreach to the Religion of Peace™.